


And I Know This Isn't Enough, I Still Don't Measure Up

by LikeeASkyscraper



Category: Wynonna Earp (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Multi, Nicole Haught Needs A Hug, they deserve to be happy, trying to fill in the gaps
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-07
Updated: 2020-09-14
Packaged: 2021-03-07 01:01:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,729
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26344549
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LikeeASkyscraper/pseuds/LikeeASkyscraper
Summary: Snapshots of the 18 months, 3 weeks and 4 days without the Earps.*New* Chapter 2, Birthdays.
Relationships: Waverly Earp/Nicole Haught
Comments: 7
Kudos: 58





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Comments really appreciated, I'm trying to get back into writing again after a longggggg break.

**_Day 0_ **

Each breath she takes is agony, the tell tale signs of a broken or bruised rib within her chest. But there isn't time to process it now. There's no time to process the fact that Wynonna had just dived through the door to the garden by herself or the fact that she was immobile, stuck on the floor with her leg twisted in ways which made her stomach churn.

No, the roaring of the former BBD researchers was the primary focus. That and Rachel. Getting out alive. Being home for Waverly and Wynonna when they got home. Doc. Jeremy, Robin... They had to come home.

But then Rachel is asking her if they're going to die and on instinct she says no before stumbling. _'Maybe. We've still got options right?'_

The one thing she's sure of is that they were going to fight. And so she's uncapping the remaining beaver blaster and tossing it as far as she can just as the door breaks open.

She's pulling Rachel on top of her with a shout to get down, ignoring the jolt of pain shooting through her at the movement as she clings on to the teen tightly and the explosion echoes through the room.

Dust from the cracking walls fills the air, leaving a murky haze hanging over them. It's quieter now. At least Nicole thinks it is, the ringing in her ears leaves her dazed for a moment too long. There's a shift and the weight on top of her is moving, Rachel is moving.

Nicole tries to call out to her but she just coughs, feeling the mist of disintegrated concrete filling her throat. She's stuck watching as Rachel picks up the baseball bat left beside them and stands ready, waiting for the stragglers who had survived the blast.

_Thud._

The first body hits the floor as Rachel moves her way forward through them. There's too many, too many for one teen to take on by herself and so Nicole reaches for the gun beside her.

Her hand shakes as she raises it, doing her best to focus on the blurring figures moving around her. She shoots three times before the arm holding her up gives out and she flops back down flat on the ground, breathing heavily. Rachel's still fighting as Nicole's head lulls to one side, swinging at a particularly large figure.

And then there's one behind her, reaching for her from behind. Rachel oblivious to the danger as a yell gets stuck in Nicole's throat. She does her best to roll, pushing up for a mere second as she fires blindly, willing herself to hit.

There's another thud and then silence falls.

''Nicole?'' Rachel is over her again suddenly, kneeling by her side.

''Nice work, kid.'' Nicole croaks, a pained laugh escaping at the thought of what had just happened.

''I'll get you out of here, ok?'' Rachel pauses, biting her lip.

Arms are wrapping under Nicole's arms and lifting roughly. The redhead finds herself screaming involuntarily as Rachel drags her towards a wall and props her up awkwardly, making sure she's not going to fall before forcing the dropped gun back into her hand.

''Wait here.''

There's no time for a response, Rachel has fled the room before Nicole even catches up with what's happening, a scoff moments too late at the irony of her being able to do anything else but wait.

Quiet.

With Rachel gone, there's nothing but her own heavy breathing filling the space around her. It doesn't take long for her to lose the distinction between the haze in the room and her eyes blurring. She tries to keep hold of her consciousness, clinging to the cool metal of the weapon in her hand to ground herself. But the room is closing in, darkness seeping in from each corner until there's nothing.

* * *

Rattling fills her ears first, followed by the soft footsteps and laboured breathing.

Then she feels it, the jostle of her body on a moving surface, the pain blazing through her leg with each bump.

It's too dark still, too hard to focus on anything for more then a second. _No._

Panic floods over her, eyes snapping open only to see a moving ceiling above her.

_Rachel._

There's sweat dripping down the side of her face, a pained look of determination clearly urging her on.

She's pushing her on something. _A trolley? No._ The surface below her is too soft. But they're moving, they're moving and they're alive.

The next time Nicole opens her eyes is accompanied by a hoarse scream of pain. Fading daylight hits her eyes before she takes stock of their location.

_Wynonna's truck?_

''I'm sorry.'' Rachel is above her, already in the cab apologising again and again as she shifts her grip under Nicole's arms. The movement being what had woken her up so suddenly, what had caused the pain.

And then she's screaming again as Rachel pulls, Nicole feeling her body tugged upwards towards the vehicle.

It's too much, too much.

As quick as she's awoken she falls back into the darkness.

* * *

**_Day 2_ **

Rachel has been waiting 34 hours for Nicole to wake up after they took her straight into the ER upon arrival.

Despite barely knowing this woman, she can't help the worry that sits in the pit of her stomach as she remains curled up in the chair next to her hospital bed.

Part of her is wondering why she hadn't bolted, left her at the door and driven off with the truck. But before she finishes that thought, the reminder of her mothers body in the lab slams into her with full force and she remembers she has nothing, no one.

All she has for now is the steady beep of the heart monitor, reminding her of the living presence in the room. The nurses had been concerned about her staying, insisting they would call a relative to come pick her up. So she lied, insisting that they were out of the country on a business trip and Nicole her ' _cousin'_ was looking after her. And so instead they would check in on her too when they made their rounds.

It was after a quick check in on Nicole's vitals that Rachel noticed it. The twitching in Nicole's fingers as they gripped at the hospital blanket. She's on her feet within a second, crossing to stand above the bed as eyelids flutter.

''Wavely?'' The voice is dry yet hopeful and Rachel can only shake her head.

''No, I'm sorry.'' Rachel says, watching the realisation flood through Nicole's eyes.

''Rachel...'' Nicole breathes. ''You got us out.'' She thinks the redhead is trying to smile, her lips drawing up before a grimace quickly takes it place.

''Well, you said it.'' Rachel pauses. ''What was it? This war isn't over, it's just beginning?''

There's a pained bark of laughter that's quickly cut off by a gasp. Water is flooding her eyes and Rachel just reaches for the redheads hand, squeezing softly like her mother used to do with her.

''Miss... Haught?''

The presence of the two figures in the room changes the atmosphere. Rachel steps back automatically as a nurse moves to check Nicole's vitals yet again.

''I'm glad to see you're awake.'' The figure behind the clipboard starts. ''I'm Doctor Morton, is it ok if I ask you a few questions?''

Nicole can only nod.

''Could you tell me what happened?'' Doctor Morton asks.

The redhead quickly looks over to the teen, wondering what she had told the staff. Falling through a grate into a lab being attacked by the undead wasn't exactly a day to day occurrence.

''I already told you, we were hiking and... and she slipped. There was a steep bank with rocks and she just... she just fell.'' Rachel supplies, giving Nicole a pointed look.

''Yeah.'' Nicole coughs. ''I didn't see the tree stump sticking out and the next thing I know I'm flat on my back.'' Nicole keeps it vague, careful not to contradict anything Rachel has said as the Doctor hums to himself.

''How... how bad is it?'' Nicole asks.

''Miss Haught...'' Doctor Morton stalls, looking down at the board in his hands.

''Just tell me.'' Nicole does her best to sound firm but the rasp in her throat makes it tricky. But still, he starts talking.

''When you arrived you were in a bad state Miss Haught. You suffered a displaced fracture to your tibia and fibula and a hairline fracture to your femur.'' Doctor Morton puts the clipboard down, looking intensely at the redhead.

''Your injuries are in line with what we would consider severe trauma. We had to do a reduction to reset your tibia back in place, as you can see you're in cast for now. Our x-ray picked up some hairline fractures in two of your lower ribs. You have some severe bruising and minor abrasions all over. Most prominently the gash on your chin, which did require three stitches. Miss Haught, your injuries are more consistent with something we would expect to see after a RTC.''

She can't help the laugh that escapes her at that point. Honestly, she's not even completely sure why she's laughing. Maybe the fact that she fell God know how far and came out alive. Or the fact that they then had to fight off a herd of zombies whilst her best friend threw herself into some demonic portal.

The whole situation feels like a dream because fuck, how on earth is this her life?

''Miss Haught, I can assure you this isn't a laughing matter.'' Doctor Morton breaks the bubble she had fallen into.

''Your leg is going to take between 3 and 6 months to heal due to the severity of the break. It's more than likely that you're going to need some physiotherapy to get your muscles back to strength and get you on your feet.''

''Sorry, sorry... It's just a lot.'' Nicole gets out seriously and the Doctor just sighs.

He makes a swift exit after that, promising to be back later to discuss her injuries more once she's regained her bearings.

It just makes her laugh even more.

* * *

**_Day 7_ **

It's not funny anymore.

She was discharged earlier in the morning and Rachel had wheeled her out to Wynonna's truck. It was an awkward manoeuvre to get her into the cab along with the crutches. Rachel stayed quiet, letting Nicole sit in self directed rage.

It had been 7 days and there wasn't any sign of the Earp's having returned.

And what's worse is when they arrived back in Purgatory, the town is empty.

No Nedley, no Jeremy.

Empty.

So they end up back on the homestead and shuffle quietly inside. Rachel tries to insist that Nicole take the bed that's downstairs, Wynonna's bed. But she refuses, taking the couch because they would be back soon. _They would._ So she wasn't going to touch it, it didn't feel right. Rachel could use it for now, the unspoken agreement that Rachel was staying with Nicole lingering in the air.

She didn't dare tackle the stairs, didn't dare slip into her and Waverly's bed where the smell of her would still linger. Where she would wake up cold and alone.

No, the couch was fine. Broken leg or not.

* * *

**_Day 13_ **

It's just over a week when the trucks arrive.

The towns people being dropped off back into town by agents glad in full riot gear. Families huddled together as they're ushered onto the streets, looking around cautiously as if waiting for someone or something to jump out at them.

Something's changed, somethings happened and they've missed it all. Nicole was supposed to protect these people, all of them. Even the likes of Champ Hardy. It was her job. But instead they look at her with confusion as Rachel helps her out of the truck and onto her crutches. Some even sneer at them and mutter amongst themselves at the pairs arrival.

She used to know these people. But now, she wasn't so sure.

The faces of course are familiar but still, they're not the one's she's looking for.

No Earps. No Holiday. No Nedley.

And so they get the supplies they had came for, this time paying the store clerk who was slowing returning to their store, figuring out how to carry on as normal.

But in reality, it was far from it.

* * *

**_Day 31_ **

It's been four weeks and now with the local hospital back up and running, she stumbles in for what should be her check up. It takes them hours to get the notes over from the hospital near Monument and by that time Nicole has had enough.

She sits through the scans and refuses the prospect of physiotherapy twice weekly when it's offered. There's not time for that. Her leg will be just fine and she has to help, she has to find them. And then there's Rachel.

Nicole isn't blind.

There's a similar aurora to the teen as Wynonna. A storm of emotions being trapped behind soft eyes.

The girl had found her mother dead, nearly died herself and then ended up here.

She didn't need Nicole to mope around, she needed Sherif Haught. Someone in charge, someone to help.

* * *

**_Day 56_ **

She's no longer Sherif.

It didn't take long for the towns people to out her and replace her with Holt. She didn't get a say, didn't get a fair campaign. She was too busy looking after a teenager and digging traps around the Earp land, all whilst her leg was still out of action.

The process it self was exhausting, sitting there with her leg in a cast as she did her best to dig a rounded area. She barely made any headway on her first attempt when Rachel had got pissed, taking the shovel off her and taking over wordlessly. Nicole could only watch, armed with a shotgun as the girl took over.

All in all, it took 4 days to dig enough holes all around the homestead. Rachel would dig and Nicole would sit there guarding. Guarding and looking out at the tree line, hoping that she would see the familiar faces walk through any second. That Waverly would be in her arms and Wynonna would be drawing the dicks she promised on her cast.

But they never came.

And things only got worse.

More... things, came. That's what they were, they were things. There was no name for them, Waverly wasn't there to research from the pile of books stored out in the barn and Wynonna wasn't able to give them some horrendous nickname, which normally was sexually related. They were just things and they were out for blood.

So they prepared the best they could, a ex-sherif with her crutches and a teenage girl.

It was getting bad.

They never stayed out past nightfall, the noises coming from the snow covered land being enough to send a chill down anyones spine. They were constantly playing defence, fighting just to survive. And it was exhausting.

But Nicole had promised Wynonna she would be waiting and this was the Earp's home. She would die first before she let anyone destroy it, despite the toll it was taking on her healing body.

And so, most nights Nicole would fall asleep in a chair in front of the door, shotgun still held tightly in her arms.

* * *

**_Day 128_ **

It's just been over four months and Nicole is finally getting her cast off despite Doctor's orders. Ideally they would have kept her in it for another month at least but it was getting in the way. Trudging through the snow with the extra cladding around her leg was too much. Too restricting.

The burden of not having found her friends yet weighing heavily. Deep down Nicole had hoped it would have been a relief to get it off, like some magical weight would have been dispersed with her new ability to move freely.

But instead she felt nothing.

Nothing but guilt and failure.

She hadn't got her friends home, she couldn't even find Nedley or peacemaker.

Instead she spent her evenings sorting Waverly's closet again and again and finally starting to sleep in her, in their bed.

But it's cold and it's empty without her there.

Each morning she wakes up to a wave of guilt as she looks at the photo of Waverly on the bedside table. Her smiling face staring straight back at her and reminding her of everything she hasn't done.

* * *

**_Day 287_ **

Today is one of those days.

They're becoming more and more frequent, at this point.

It's one of those days where Nicole's limbs feel like lead as she wakes up staring at the familiar ceiling. One of those days where she reaches out and pushes the frame of Waverly's face down.

On these days, Nicole doesn't want to remember. She doesn't want to remember her smile or how soft her lips are. How she knows every inch of her skin, having committed it to memory weeks, no, months ago.

She doesn't want to remember Wynonna's snarky comments and the when she told her she never had a best friend before. The look in her eyes at those words, the vulnerability shining through clear as ever.

It's too much, it's suffocating. There's a brick on her chest and she can't get it to move.

So she remains still, letting it wash over her because it's what she deserves, right?

But then her alarm rings on her phone, notifying her that the two hours are up and the traps need checking. It doesn't make her jump, not giving her the boost of usual urgency that comes with the shrill chime.

Instead it's a day where Rachel slowly emerges in the doorway with concerned eyes, becoming more and more familiar with the state in front of her.

A day where Rachel doesn't even bother making breakfast for Nicole anymore, knowing from experience she won't look at it, let alone take a bite. A day where she simply places a glass of water and a sleeping pill on the bedside table next to Waverly's downturned photo incase she needs it.

The job is her's for the day, normally a shared responsibility between the two. But it's just her now. And Rachel sometimes thinks it's how she works best, alone. She checks all the traps, shotgun slung over shoulder the way Nicole had taught her was best for quick fire. She cleans, guns, that is. Just normal teen things, she thinks to herself. These days she manages fine on her own but it doesn't mean she doesn't miss Nicole at her side.

Nicole bounces back by the next morning though, of course she does. Acting as if nothing had ever happened. She always does but there's the lingering distant look in her eyes even as she laughs. Her movements stilted each time she passes Wynonna's leather fringe jacket.

Eventually Rachel moves it, hiding it away in one of the cupboards and then she pretends she doesn't notice Nicole staring at the spot it used to be.

* * *

**_Day 365_ **

One year.

It's been one fucking year and Nicole is no closer to finding anything. No leads, not even the slightest idea of where to look or what to do.

Plans were Waverly's job. She would know what to do if she was here.

It's a bad day.

And it all starts when the hospital calls, stating that she's well overdue a checkup on her leg. To which she just hangs up.

She makes her morning round of the traps with Rachel and then makes an excuse to leave. Her best attempt at a reassuring smile as she tries to hide the gun she's slipping into her backpack. There are strict instructions to lock the door behind her and then she's off without another word, not even allowing for any sort of protest.

Nicole makes a beeline for the woods, treading carefully through the trees on high alert. She searches. For something, for anything.

It's a ritual by now. Old footprints barely covered with the lack of recent snowfall.

Today it feels different. There's a weight hanging around the one year mark.

But there's nothing new in the woods.

So she takes the truck, Wynonna's truck and she heads back to the lab in Monument.

She's been back here before of course, tried to open the door to the garden but to no avail.

On one earlier trip she recovers Gloria's body, wrapping it in the familiar black body bag she had become accustomed to during her time as law enforcement. 

They held a funeral for her that evening, finding a small clearing on the edge of the woods. She had held Rachel whilst she cried, whispering soft comforts to her until she fell asleep in her arms, still out in the snow.

It had been her turn to carry her home that time. Much like when Rachel had gotten her out of the lab.

Today though, back at the lab felt different. There was a twinge of pain in her leg, the ghost of a reminder of what had happened a year ago.

There's still a blood stain on the floor, her blood stain. Prompting flashes of Wynonna into her mind.

And so she just sits there for the rest of the afternoon until the 7th missed call from Rachel followed by a photo of a figure lurking on the homestead.

She's sure she breaks every road restriction in the book getting back, skidding to a stop in the front drive as she leaps from the drivers seat.

''Nicole!'' Rachel shouts, revealing her position from the upstairs bathroom.

''Where?'' Nicole shouts back, cocking the emergency shot gun they kept hidden under the front seats of the truck.

''East side, near trap 7.'' Rachel calls back and Nicole doesn't hesitate in running off.

The first shot she takes misses, shaky hands failing to still in time. But it gets the creatures attention, turning slowly towards her. It's large, on two legs but bigger than your average human. And it's covered in what looks like moss from a distance, head to toe.

There's no time to take it in though, the figure starting to stagger towards her.

So she shoots. Cocking and firing again and again until it gets the message, retreating with an odd howling noise.

Nicole watches it retreat, heavy breathing and sweaty palms. She watches and she watches until Rachel practically tackles her to the ground in a hug.

There's no words spoken, they're not needed.

Not today.

* * *

**_Day 413_ **

Supplies are running low in the homestead again.

They had been for weeks by now but they were getting by where they could. You see, things had changed drastically in the last year. It was hard to get anything, most supply trucks were being cut off en route and what did get through, Nicole wasn't in any urgency to head into town and buy.

Today though, Rachel had finally had enough.

She confronted Nicole about it, fronting the fact that she had run out of yeast to make her famous kombucha. Although deep down they both knew it was more then that. It was the confines of the same four walls, the same plain pasta dishes night after night. The homestead was taking it's toll on both of them, the walls slowly but steadily closing in on them.

And so, Rachel was going, with or without Nicole. But the redhead wasn't going to send a teen into town on her own, not this town. The town that had started hanging their own civilians. _Justice._ They called it.

The thought of their justice made her laugh. There was no real law here. Holt may be the Sherif but he showed little interest on what was going on in the town unless it effected him personally.

Yes, things had really taken a turn for the worse and Nicole wasn't going to let Rachel walk into that. She didn't know the people like she did, what they were capable of.

So they load the truck with large canvas sacks and replace the shotgun under the cab seat before setting off.

The grocery store wasn't much, a small run down building on the outskirts of town. Windows boarded up and bars across the glass door, the shelves sparse with the little stock they were actually able to get into town. Opening the door chimes the bell, the clerk looking up with urgency to assess who was entering the store, hand twitching over the pistol clearly positioned on the counter as a warning. They didn't want any trouble.

Nicole just nods at them in acknowledgement before walking around the store to see what would come of use, allowing Rachel to head off to find her God damn yeast.

_Pasta. Potatoes. Tinned Beans. Bread. Milk. Eggs._

She went for the essentials first, always did. Buying as much as she could in one sweep to ensure not having to return to town anytime soon. Thorough but quick. And soon enough she's dumping bags full of groceries at the counter, simply rolling her eyes as Rachel tosses her finds onto the pile.

This is where the sacks came in handy, quick and discrete. Loading them up carefully whilst hiding the contents because yes, some items were hard to get and yes, some people were maybe willing to take it too far to get their hands on the last bottle of whiskey. _Yes_. It was essential. Nicole had been steadily drinking Wynonna's stash and God knows she wasn't going to be around to find out what happens when, if, Wynonna came back to find it empty.

''Got anything good there?'' The harsh voice comes as they're walking to the car, sacks slung over their shoulders.

''Rachel, take them to the car.'' Nicole says quietly, handing over the loaded fabric.

''Don't be shy. You look like you've got enough for twenty people.''

''Just enough to get by.'' Nicole says calmly, rounding to come face to face with Carson Lain.

''Now, now, come on darlin', we know that ain't the case.'' He drawls. ''Ain't seen those Earp's of yours around lately. They finally come to their darn senses?''

''Frankly, it's none of your business.'' _Stay cool. You don't want a fight._ Nicole repeats the mantra to herself in her head. Frustrated. She's easy to agitate these days, almost restless and God, she's more than sure she could handle herself but the risk of him coming after her another time wasn't worth it.

''It is when you're buying up all that stock.''

''I think if you spent less money on shitty booze and actually ate something that wasn't out of a box for once in your life, it wouldn't be a problem.''

He steps forward at that with a glare whilst Nicole instantly reaches for her hip.

But there's no hostler at her hip, hasn't been in a long time but old habits die hard, right?

''Nicole?'' Rachel calls from the truck, positioned in the drivers seat with engine already started.

''Run along now _Haught._ Watch yourself.'' He leaves after that, the silent threat looming in the air.

It's fine, they were fine. He wouldn't get anywhere near them before she put a bullet in his groin.

* * *

**_Day 501_ **

She can't take much more of this. Each day there's a new creature in one of the traps, each just as terrifying as the last.

Each day she goes through the same routine, working on auto pilot as she catches a skunk to reset bait and checks all the locks on the doors. It's another day where she drifts further and further from the little hope she had left. If they were coming back, they would be back by now. She doesn't want to give up, doesn't want to assume the worst but she was running out of positive scenarios to run through in her head.

It was growing tiresome, dusting off Waverly's hoard of books for yet another time, digging through BBD files for any sort of a hint as to what to do.

Her grasp was slipping.

* * *

**_Day 570_ **

Nicole was never one to beg, never one to admit defeat and show how desperate she was for help. She knew it wasn't a sign of weakness, asking for help. If anything it was a show of strength but it didn't mean she liked it.

Managing had always been what she did for years, back in high school, in the academy. It was what she was good at, getting by. Oh, how things had changed since then. How she had changed.

She was loosing the fight, _she had lost the fight._

So she did was she had to do.

Today was different.

Today she sobbed as she pleaded for her to bring them home. Promising anything and everything she could think of, anything she wanted. Just as long as it brought them home. Fuck the consequence, they would handle that when it came to it. They always did, as a team. She needed the help. She knew what she was doing.

Everything came with a price.

But for this?

It was worth it.


	2. Birthdays

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally I was just going to leave this as one chapter but then I saw something about all the important days they would have missed in the year and a half and I got all soft.

_September 8th_

The weight of the day is heavy on Nicole's chest that morning. She wants it to be one of those days where she doesn't have to get up, where she can give in to herself and sleep it away. Just skipping it entirely would be more than ideal but she can't. It's not her day, it's Waverly's. Waverly who so often had her birthday forgotten by those closest to her. It wasn't fair to her, Nicole wouldn't forget. She would not.

So she gets up and follows the morning routine as usual.

If Rachel notices something off with her she doesn't comment, allowing her to be alone in the moment. There's a mutual understanding that sometimes they just need the time to themselves. Time to think.

She wonders what they would be doing if Waverly was here. Would they have the time to celebrate? _Of course, they always made time._

And so Nicole packs a bag with a few of Waverly's favourite foods and tells Rachel she won't be long as she heads off towards the lake.

It had been an odd pick the first time Waverly brought her here, telling her the tale of August _The Barber_ and the confrontation with her and Wynonna. Really, it was one of those places where you wouldn't want to come back to, not ever.

But it's quiet and secluded and allowed them to steal moments of peace together between all the madness.

The lake itself was lower to the surrounding terrain, hiding them away from the world and the nearby trees protecting them from the wind.

It had been perfect.

They had stayed until the sun started to set over the horizon, watching the stars together above them with their fingers intertwined.

Today it was different. Today she was alone. As she had been for the past months.

But still, she unzips her jacket and places it on the floor to sit on like she had done for Waverly.

And she talks. Eyes focused on the water glistening in the sun as the fills the air with what she would say if she had the chance.

She talks about Monument, how Wynonna had come for her. She had saved her. How she had to go into the garden alone because she couldn't stand but it was okay, because she knew it would be fine. Wynonna would be fine. And she had Rachel. Rachel who had dragged her out of there and got them to safety. Rachel who had become like family to Nicole and how she's sure she would fit in perfectly with them all together. Nicole explains the town, the BBD lockdown and the hangings, how the people have turned on each other. It pains her but she talks about loosing the Sherif position, about Nedley's disappearance and before she knows it she's crying. Fists gripping the grass below her as her body wracks with pained sobs.

_Waverly._

Composing herself is hard but she has to carry on.

And so she brings up the traps around the homestead and the half knitted scarf she found in the barn. There's no sign of peacemaker or Jeremy and she promises her that she's still looking, always looking.

Nicole can't help but laugh as she promises Waverly the best birthday ever when she gets back. How they could go to wherever she wanted with whoever she invited. Hell, Nicole would finally take her to see the ocean if that's what she wanted. She would do anything for her, anything to have her back.

And then she's crying again, silently this time, sighing as she looks over the calm water in front of her.

_''I miss you, Waves. I love you.''_

It's stupid but when there's no response it still hurts. Part of her hoping today would be the miracle that they needed and Waverly would come running through the trees at any moment. Nicole would scoop her up into a hug, rocking them back and forth not daring to let go. They would stand with their feet in the water, allowing the cool sensation to ground them to the fact it was real and they were here. And Nicole would hold on, she would keep holding on for the fear of Waverly disappearing at any second.

But it was all just a dream. It wasn't going to be today, the sun was starting to set giving the indication of how long Nicole had just been sat talking to the wind.

So she rummages around in her bag for the slightly deformed vegan cupcake. She gave it her best shot but baking wasn't for her, Rachel just laughed at the result and Nicole swore they were just a pick me up.

She saved this one though. The best looking one out of the batch.

And then she's sticking in the small candle and taking the lighter with shaking hands.

The heat of the flame is a sudden contrast to the cool air around her but she doesn't mind. She just sits and watches it flicker for a moment.

''Happy birthday baby, make a wish.'' Nicole sighs, giving it a second longer before blowing out the flame.

_Next year will be better._

* * *

_September 12th_

Nicole cursed the God damn Earp sisters for being born to close to each other. She still felt raw from the previous week and now here she was.

Another birthday without an Earp to celebrate.

Things are different today, Wynonna would want things differently.

But it starts the same.

_Routine first, traps first._

And then again she's packing a bag, nodding to Rachel silently before grabbing Wynonna's favourite shotgun and heading out.

She doesn't go to the lake this time, no. She drives out to the _Welcome To Purgatory_ sign before exiting the jeep and walking out into the wilderness. It's hard to find the spot and really, she's not entirely sure if it's the right place but Wynonna had once told her about Dolls letting her try out weapons when he first deputised her. And hell, this seemed about right.

So she moves with precision as she sets up some empty cans on the edge of a dirt mound. There's 12 in total, for September 12th.

Nicole walks away afterwards, far enough to make herself a challenge out of it. If Wynonna was here it would be a competition to see who could shoot the best. But there's no sarcastic comments and no one to beat. No one to roll their eyes at and bicker with.

It's just her and Wynonna's gun. _Not peacemaker._

The first shot is easy.

A satisfying crack echoing through the empty space around her as the can flies backwards.

_Too easy._

So it's time to change it up. And then the bottle of bourbon is already in her hands and the cap is on the floor as she drinks. The burning in her throat does nothing to dull the ache in her heart. Not at all.

_Bang._

Drink.

_Bang._

Drink.

Three cans down and Nicole feels nothing, frustration ebbing through her veins.

At Wynonna for drugging her and leaving her behind.

At herself for not being there to stop Waverly being taken into the garden.

At BBD for creating a shitty door which only lasted enough for Wynonna to get through and for gassing their employees.

At the grate she had fell through which rendered her useless for months.

So she just drinks more and carries on shooting until there's no cans left on the mound ahead of her.

But there's still bourbon in the bottle so she raises it to the sky in a toast.

''Happy Birthday Wynonna.''

And she carries on drinking.

Carries on drinking until she's slumped awkwardly on the ground, eyes glazed from the mixture of booze and tears. She's clutching onto Wynonna's shot gun for dear life, not wanting to loose the connection she currently feels. It's just her, _Wynonna_ and the bottle of bourbon in that moment.

She carries on drinking until Rachel finds her, sheepishly admitting that she may have turn on the _find my iphone_ on Nicole's device after seeing the upcoming date in the calendar.

Nicole isn't mad. Not at Rachel. Not at Wynonna or Waverly.

She's just mad at the universe.

* * *

_January 5th_

The familiar pang is back in her chest. Really it was there all the time but on days like today it was worse. It always was.

_September 8th, 12th, December 25th and 31st and now today._

They had been some of the worst days of it all.

But today she didn't owe anyone anything. Hell, she didn't deserve anything. But it doesn't stop her wishing that for her birthday they would all come home.

No, it's one of those days where Rachel would normally leave her in bed and let her process on her own.

But today she doesn't.

When the alarm goes off she's barging through the door and quickly opening the curtains and letting in the harsh light, only made stronger by the layers of snow it bounced off.

''Nicole, please. I really need you today.'' And she's sure the girl knows what today is, that she's playing her to get her out of bed but it's enough. Because other people served as her purpose, looking after others is what she did.

So she gets dressed, inhaling softly as she wraps Waverly's scarf around her neck before they head out into the snow.

They empty the traps that need dealing with and reset them before heading inside and Nicole stumbles as she notices the breakfast on the table. Rachel's made her pancakes.

She can't help but smile.

And then she's tasting them and they seem so familiar, the flavour on the tip of her tongue triggering a memory which shoots warmth through her chest. But as quick as it's there it's gone, flooded by an overwhelming sadness.

''These,'' Nicole gulps. ''Where did you get the recipe?'' She asks. But she already knows the answer. The guilt is written all over the teens face but she needs to hear it.

''I found it. Waverly's Vegan Pancakes.'' Rachel admits sheepishly, putting down her own cutlery. ''I'm sorry, I shouldn't have. I thought it would be a good idea, you needed the pick-me-up and it's your birthday today so I thought-''

''Rachel.'' Nicole cuts the teen's rambling off, images of Waverly doing the same with eyes filled with worry. ''I love it. Thank you.''

The ache is still in her chest but she finds that she means the words. It gives her a little bit of Waverly on a day that would usually be theirs to share.

''Really?'' There's a hope in her eyes. And fuck, this teen reminds her so much of Waverly. So much of Wynonna. She just wishes they were here too.

''Yeah.'' Nicole manages a smile, lifting another piece of pancake on her fork. ''I do.''

Rachel grins at her and Nicole continues to eat.

_It's just another day, Nicole._

There would be more birthdays. More days to spend together.

They would make it home.

They would.

**Author's Note:**

> I've proof read this so many times my eyes are tired, so I apologise if there are any stupid typos that I have missed. I'll try to update / fix as I read over again and again.
> 
> Also, my little shit of a cat has a routine of sitting on my keyboard. Thank her for this.


End file.
